Walk It Off...

I've been given that advice by coaches and friends for situations ranging from anger management to taking blows so hard while playing that my ears were ringing and I could see spots. Helmet? Nah. Doesn't go with the dress. Walk it off. It's good advice.

Evenings, around dusk, armed with earphones and a slapjack, I walk.The path varies from day to day winding through the cobblestones of Greater Downtown within The City Beautiful.

My state of mind dictates whether cobblestones become stepping stones or stumbling blocks. By the end of a typical day I am leaning into the wind both literally and figuratively. I exit my 9-5 with the days stress strapped between my shoulders. I begin my walk in this posture staring hard at the stones and re-playing the loops of the last 8 hours. Time passes, echoes fade and the sun draws my eyes upward toward the trees and the sky. The music soothes me. I step across the cobblestones and they pumice the day away.

I walk against my will. I still have to bully myself out the door. After 15 minutes of drudgery the walk takes over. The droning of my steps combined with the chill vibe in my headphones creates an awesome vibration and a lucid space for contemplation. Conversely, The City Beautiful, a.k.a. The City That Will Mow You Down and Never Look Back dictates that I stay fully present and in the moment. Maybe treading equidistant between bliss and obliteration will teach me to remain calm when the heat is on…and to always watch my back.

Speaking of heat, the trailer nears completion! Trailer, check. Refrigeration, check. Generator, check. Truck, check. The arrival of the oven is imminent with the exhaust system soon to follow…It’s time for a turn in the road…bring it!

Was that a knock in the engine?

Was that a knock in the engine?
I’ve taken a gamble. I’ve dropped a significant amount of cash; a.k.a everything; into a concessions trailer. Briefly, this requires living beyond my means. Let’s add a dash of grossly overdue, maintenance visits to a general practitioner and a dermatologist. Add a pinch of insurance coverage that pays out like a 3 card Monte. Comlete the dish with a soupcon of there wasn’t a whole lot of throw around money there to begin with. If I can cover the spread for the next couple of months it will have been worth the risk. Now is not the time for... Of course, that’s a knock in the engine!

What’s up with that?

What came first, the expectation or the egg? Could it be that chiming in with the “work sucks” gang Mon-Fri and straining against the yoke might eventually manifest as a life scramble? If “coincidences” are perpetual are they coincidental? If tomorrow is directly influenced by my meditations from today how can I convince the universe that I am ecstatic for the opportunity to spend 45 hours a week at a job that, regardless of appearances, is…great? It’s not. It’s just NOT. I mean, it is but it isn’t. It’s really not. It sucks and it’s awesome? How can I also convince myself that I don’t, really, want to scream; bang my head against a wall; swing?

Is it sensible to entertain the notion that the universe needs to believe me when I say that I am grateful? There are folks that I've met while at work for whom I am grateful. I'm grateful for the paycheck. I'm grateful to have gainful employment as an artist. Surely all that gratitude balances out my tendency to get pissy over the minutiae. If it doesn't, dear universe, please don't take it out on the concession trailer.

Will the universe fall for it if I lie? Does the universe take effort into consideration? Do I get points for showing up and doing a good job? Where do I redeem those? Can they be traded for cash?

The greatest of these...

Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake; Please allow me the ability to haunt the bitches that got on my nerves! Amen.

Fairytales unfold in black and white. The good guys are obvious; ditto for the bad guys. Dogma plays out in similar fashion. Oh look! There’s Christ with white robes and halo. Look there! It’s the devil with horns and red pajamas. Eve, watch out! Snake! Adam, watch out! Eve! I suppose the imagery is meant to be obvious so that a child’s mind can grasp the concept. Unfortunately we carry those naïve concepts into adulthood with the expectation that we’ll see evil before it has a chance to creep up on us…WRONG!

Samuel Johnson said, “The supreme end of education is expert discernment in all things – the power to tell the good from the bad, the genuine from the counterfeit and to prefer the good and the genuine to the bad and the counterfeit.” Well, duh! That’s easily said but what do you do if the bad and the counterfeit are smarter than you and what do you do if they mount a vessel that might very well be good and genuine and manipulate said vessel as to accentuate the bad and counterfeit under the guise of the good and genuine? Riddle me that! Duped again is what that adds up to but guess what – duped does not mean defeated.

Gandhi said, ”Remember that all through history the way of truth and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murders and for a time they seem invincible but in the end, they always fall –think of it, ALWAYS.”

Buddah said, “All that we are is the result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him.”

Camus said, “The evil that is in the world almost always comes of ignorance and good intentions may do as much harm as malevolence if they lack understanding.”

What I am trying to understand is that I am both good and bad. I am genuine and I am counterfeit. If I can accept my propensity toward both as dictated by the circumstances that affect me maybe I can learn to recognize both within me and in doing so maybe I'll recognize both in others. Hopefully I'll learn to dodge the evil bullet. If not, hopefully I can forgive and in doing so, be forgiven.

Nietzsche said, “What is done out of love always takes place beyond good and evil.”

Love, huh?

Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake; Please give me the ability to love the bitches that get on my nerves.

I’m not there yet.

"When you look for the bad expecting it, you will find it." ~ Abraham Lincoln

What makes a good friend? Why do we find ourselves settling for people who do not particularly enhance our lives? How do we attract and keep the kind of friends we have always wanted?

We are all, to some extent, the product of our circumstances. We carry the victories and failures of our parents’ into our own lives where they become both cornerstones and stumbling blocks. We sew our own circumstances into this ancestral tapestry and pass the heritage along generation after generation, ad infintum. When we choose friends who ‘feel like home’ we fall, once again, into the patterns of our childhood.

Consider nurture. What affect do circumstances have on the decisions we make and how do those decisions shape the cycle of our day to day lives? Conversely, consider nature and our predisposition as dictated by our DNA. When we take the time to consider how nurture has infringed upon our nature we can begin to unravel the circumstances that dictated who we became. A clearer understanding of who we are as dictated by our circumstances opens the door for exploration of our nature of who we were meant to be. What makes a good friend? First and foremost we must know ourselves.

My father was a bully and my mother was distant. These circumstances left me feeling unwanted and unneeded as a child. I carried the result of my circumstances into adulthood and, over time, I became the quintessential caretaker. Being the “hero” defined me. Consequently, I drew people to me who fed the need in me to feel important. Generally, I attracted people who had very little to offer me in the way of true friendship. Psudo-friends, more than willing to allow me be their “hero”, had nothing to give me in return when I reached out for reciprocity. I repeated a cycle. I would attach myself to anyone who allowed me to solve their problems. I’d feel important. Then, when I needed support and got nothing, my feelings would be hurt. The friendship would fizzle…next!

In my thirties my nurture and my nature began to quarrel and I began to question why, even though I had a large group of friends, I felt alone and unsatisfied. I questioned the circumstances of my childhood in relation to the patterns of my adulthood. Understanding the circumstances that led me to the role of caretaker led me to the realization that I wanted to be a “hero” and as such solve problems and get my fix of feeling important. Feeling important felt almost like love if I didn’t look at it closely and it also made me feel needed. These surrogate feelings became a shield that provided temporary shelter from my feelings of exclusion. This shield allowed me to show concern for others while maintaining a façade of aloofness that hid my own fear of vulnerability.

“You can’t always get what you want.” ~ Mick Jagger

I realized that many of the people that I allowed to enter my circle were there because something about them felt familiar...not necessarily good but familiar. Also present were people who loved me and wanted to support me but I kept them at a distance because drawing them closer required something of me that I was unequipped to give; trust. My actions as a “hero” worked in direct opposition to my desires for my life! I was working diligently to create for myself the exact life that I didn’t want! I was an adult still reacting to the circumstances of my childhood. I put on a brave face but because I never confronted the unwanted little girl she followed me into my adult life.

I was unhappy, physically and metaphorically, so I began the process of manifesting a new me. I took an honest look into the reflection of the universal mirror a.k.a. the people around me and listened to what it/they were saying. I didn’t like what I saw. I repeated patterns that didn’t suit me questioning my actions even while I was repeating the cycle. I ignored the reflection of my actions and rationalized my habits by making justifications like, “that’s not what I meant;” “people don’t get me;” “I know who I am it doesn’t matter if anyone else does…” Guess what! The universe could care less about our pride. Manifesting positive friendships isn’t about who we think that we are as much as whom we are perceived to be. Accidentally planting briars when you think that you are planting tomatoes gets you a garden of guess what? Briars. If you want tomatoes then you must be very careful to plant tomato seeds.

In an attempt to Pay It Forward I offer this website to anyone who is looking for confirmation that happiness is surrounding you. This is not a new concept. Dorothy was already wearing the ruby slippers. She simply had to make the choice to click them together. Click ‘em already! We must confront our actions; accept full responsibility for the result of these actions and MAKE DIFFERENT CHOICES. We must be our own best friend; treat ourselves with respect, hold ourselves to a higher standard, become an active participant in our own lives and focus on the people who can help us achieve our goals.

Imagine your best case scenario. Do this constantly. Embrace the dreams of your childhood. Fall asleep at night excited about taking charge of your life. Realize yourself. Things will change. You’ll see. If you build it, they will come.

Change your mind, change your choices, change your life.

Lately I’ve been putting positive affirmations to the test. I’ve had mixed results.

"When you look for the bad expecting it, you will find it." ~ Abraham Lincoln

A life beyond the ordinary is within the grasp of all of us but rising out of the grind of making a living and embracing the joy of making a life takes effort. Change takes time and making the effort, especially when the path to success seems to take one step forward and two steps back, is tiresome. In spite of my mortal tendency to wallow in self-pity and criticize every, other, living, thing I digress and superimpose affirmations. Nothing feels more empowering than blessing an asshole.

“You can’t always get what you want.” ~ Mick Jagger

I play these positive thoughts in my head like a loop. As soon as I realize that I am dwelling on thoughts that would, if manifested, result in mayhem and destruction, I check myself and accentuate the positive. Trials are a part of life. Embracing a struggle is like embracing an ex but what doesn’t kill us… The first act toward changing your life is changing your mind. Negative inside equals negative outside. The converse is also true.

I was getting by as a struggling artist. I use the term, “getting by,” loosely. The utilities were on, the utilities were off. The rent was paid, the rent was not paid. The check cleared, the check bounced…good times.

I wasn’t lazy. Actually, I worked very hard but I never seemed to GET anywhere. More out of desperation than anything else I decided that if I continued to fall short of my desires it would NOT be because I passively allowed opportunities to pass me by. Broadening my perspective, adjusting my reactions and accepting responsibility for affecting the circumstances that dictate my life changed my trajectory.

Changing my attitude, acting from a state of confidence (even when I had to fake it) and making the effort made an enormous impact on my life. Ok, life in Orlando isn't exactly Mecca but I'm on my way, ok? The point is that I wasn't happy where I was, physically and metaphorically speaking. I took the first step of imagining the life I wanted instead of the life I had and (POOF) here I am living medium in Orlando! All kidding aside, I totally manifested this life that I have here in Lake Eola right down to the quaint, brick, streets. If I can manifest this chapter of my life I can manifest the next one and the next and the next. We can do ANYTHING that we set our minds to. Change your mind, change your choices and change your life.

“Let go of your ego’s need to be right. When you’re in the middle of an argument, ask yourself: Do I want to be right or be happy? When you choose the joyous, loving, spiritual mode, your connection to intention is strengthened.” ~ Wayne Dyer

I did just that. I let go of my egos need to be right. I had to bite the inside of my cheek to do it but, hey, the skin will grow back. I stopped allowing the actions (opinions) of other people, most of whom I didn't hold in particularly high regard to begin with, cause a negative reaction in me. I started ignoring the peanut gallery. I disciplined my will and planted the seeds of “good” actions and I keep the faith that the laws of reciprocity are in my favor. I am uncertain of what lies ahead but I am absolutely certain that my life will continue to manifest in a positive way. How can I be certain? Because, concerning my dreams, I dwell on the best possible scenario and I fall asleep at night feeling the joy of my convictions. Concerning my frienemies, "Who dat? God bless!" Concerning the future...Raybans, I prefer Raybans.

Easier said than done.

Global Positioning Systems a.k.a. GPS make it virtually impossible to get lost these days. Granted the dreaded ‘no data’ prompt provides for some Maalox moments when you realize that you’ve trusted the voice a bit too much and consequently failed to pay attention to where you were going. User oblivion allows plenty of margin for error but by and large a GPS will guide you to almost anywhere. Simply plug in your current position, add your destination and voila! Enroute, you are prompted at every turn by a pleasant, English, gender of your choice, voice in a box. Relieved of the pressures and responsibilities of charting your own course you can sit back and enjoy the ride. If your destination runs amuck you can blame it on the box. The box accepts this blame without complaint as it continuously updates your position. If you do take a wrong turn, no worries, the box will recalculate your direction and lead you back on course. Don’t panic, keep driving, keep smiling, all is well.

If only there was a GPS for the soul. The name of the device would have to be changed as the range would outreach the confines of the mortal coil. How about Astral Positioning System? By punching in a few, personal, details the APS could enlighten you as to your current, spiritual trajectory and suggest a path of least resistance by calculating the projected outcome of each encounter based on collected data from similar encounters in your past.

The data would require some modification from that of a typical GPS. The basic input required could be: action/reaction/result with an additional box at the bottom of the screen for logging the reaction to the result.

Beyond the differences in input the basic responses of an APS remain applicable to that of a GPS.

For example: It’s is Monday morning. You see you boss coming toward you after an unpleasant exchange on Friday when you, in a moment of mouth speaks before brain thinks, called out your boss for blaming you for her mistakes.

Enter data: action(unwarranted blame assignment from superior to cover their inadequacies)/reaction(telling superior that you know full well what is going on and you don’t appreciate it!)/result(superior gets angrier and avoids you for the rest of the day) with additional box for reaction to result(apologize because it’s the correct thing to do but come Monday you are STILL PISSED ABOUT IT!! )



APS command: Roadblock ahead. Turn around at first possible opportunity. Consider alternate route.

I recently read an unassuming book entitled, “Tao Te Ching.”

Vs. 24
On his tiptoes a man is not steady
Taking long strides he cannot keep pace

To the self-serving nothing shines forth
To the self-promoting nothing is distinguished
To the self-appointing nothing bears fruit
To the self-righteous nothing endures

From the viewpoint of Tao, this self-indulgence is like rotting food and painful growths on the body-
Things that all creatures despise
So why hold onto them?
When walking the path of Tao
this is the very stuff
that must be uprooted, thrown out and left behind.

Vs. 56
One who speaks does not know
One who knows does not speak

Shut the mouth
Close the gates
Blunt the sharpness
Loosen the knots
Temper the glare
Become one with the dust of the world.
This is called
“The Secret Embrace”

One who knows this secret
Is not moved by attachment or aversion,
Swayed by profit or loss,
Nor touched by honor or disgrace
He is far beyond the cares of men
Yet comes to hold the dearest place in their hearts

Vs. 76
When life begins
We are tender and weak
When life ends
We are stiff and rigid
All things, including the grass and trees,
Are soft and pliable in life
Dry and brittle in death

So the soft and supple
Are the companions of life
While the stiff and unyielding
Are the companions of death

An army that cannot yield
Will be defeated
A tree that cannot bend
Will crack in the wind
Thus by Nature’s own decree
The hard and strong are defeated
While the soft and gentle are triumphant

action(unwarranted blame assignment)/reaction(silence)/result(sun continues to rise and set) with additional box for reaction to result(triumphant!)

I’ve been on the road. This trip I was working on a refurb at 6 Flags of the Okeefanokee Swamp now called Monster Plantation. The last time I was at the park I was in grade school. We spent a lot of time on the Swamp ride because in the middle of miles and miles of blistering asphalt it was one of the only places to sit in the shade.

It was surreal to be there as an artist. It was even more surreal to return to a place where when I last visited most of my innocence was still intact. It was yet even more surreal to return to a place that, while I was going through monumental changes of my own, hasn’t changed at all. I didn’t find comfort in it.

A good friend of mine, EC, recommended me for the job. It was great to see him again and to meet his girlfriend, Camille. They are Brooklyn hipsters right down to their painted on clothes and unruly coifs. The city vibe suits them. Both are artists and musicians who have found a way to hold on to creativity AND pay the rent, no small feat. They are also still young enough to be undaunted by late nights on the town combined with early mornings on the job. I, on the other hand, am old and need my sleep so I didn’t get to spend as much time with them away from the sight as I would have liked.

This is the first scenic gig I’ve been a part of where my primary scope was not painting. I was there to hang the murals that provide the back drop for the story of the Plantation. The murals hang behind the scenery around the entire course of the ride. We hung 20 some odd murals ranging in size from 5 to 50 feet long. The murals arrived to the site late in the game because of last minute changes by a fickle art director. Because of this they had to be commandeered around the scenery and the hardscape. This made their installation extremely challenging. Even though it was a trial it was probably for the best that they went in last.

Hardscape is a scenic term for concrete. The hardscape crews are notorious for coming on site and blowing concrete on EVERYTHING. They rarely, if ever, use a shield or clean up after themselves. Consequently, what is a pristine piece of art when you leave the site in the evening can become a pristine piece of art cover in splatters of dried concrete by the next morning. Painters hate hardscapers. Judging by their lack of respect for the painters’ progress I’m guessing the feeling is mutual.

All in all it was a fun and interesting gig. I’m happy to be back in Orlando but boy is it HOT! Thank God my Orlando gig isn’t outside. I don’t think I could hang.